I'm curious about how D/s relationships evolve as the partners age. What will your relationship be like when you're in your 40s? 60s? 80s? Obviously you can't know at this point, and only time will tell, but I would be interested to hear your speculation, and watch as your relationship evolves!
That’s an interesting question…
I’m 30 now, close to 31, and my Master recently turned 43. So we are in this age where we are not too young anymore, already have experience in life and relationships, know what the important things about these are, have our priorities straight and our shit together (well, at least He has but that’s enough for the moment since He is in charge of our life, and it’s a good basis to work on my shit) etc but still young enough to have many more things to discover, experiences to make, things to learn and a life to improve and live. It’s actually a really good age to start a serious, long lasting relationship like ours I think.
As you said, we can’t know how things will develop, but I can try to ‘extrapolate’ a possible future development based on my experiences in the past (how former relationships developed), on our talks about how we want it to develop and on observations of other couples who already made it through decades together. Okay, let’s see…
On a personal, emotional level we will certainly grow even closer together over time and get to know each other even more intimately. We are only together for eight months and it’s already a huge difference between the first few months and the most recent ones. We have a much better understanding of each other, know so much more about our respective past, family, life and I assume that this growth will continue. In my longest relationship I had so far, nine years, at some point I literally knew what my partner was thinking quite often, I knew every story of his life, I knew how he would react to certain things etc. And that was a wonderful thing. I imagine I’ll have the same with my Master and probably even on a deeper level. Also will I probably lose my abandonment issues, at least to this strong degree I have them now, over time because I will make the experience over and over again that no matter what shit life throws at us, we get through it and He sticks with me. We will be both confident in our relationship and at some time have no doubts anymore that we can overcome anything.
About the ‘formal’ things… we will probably marry at some point, we will not have children because we don’t want to have children and make sure we don’t produce them accidentally. We will be living in a house in a rural area somewhere far from other people, hopefully. We will definitely have at least a dog and two cats (: Ideally more dogs. And a horse. And a sheep. But that’s not a must have, haha.
I think the older we become the less important or frequent sex will be because a decreased libido and weaker bodies are just a natural side effect of aging. I don’t think we will be a sexless couple by the time we are 60 but other aspects of our dynamic will maybe become more important (?)
Speaking of which… our D/s Dynamic in general will certainly change/develop, especially over the next few years but also continuously of course. I already wrote a little about this topic here. We are nowhere near yet with our Master-slave-dynamic to where we want to get. The past half year has been a single huge struggle. Of finding an apartment and moving in, of a mountain of paperwork for several things including visa/immigration issues (which are a real bitch), of detoxing from opiates, of legal issues, of hundreds bigger and smaller obstacles to overcome. And of course it was the time to get to know each other, as people first and foremost. As we both constantly mention, you can’t start a M/s relationship with just being a Master and a slave right from the start. You start as humans, you have to build up a relationship as people before you start implementing all the D/s stuff. We already started doing that, the D/s stuff, but we still have a long way to go.
Eventually we want to have a M/s Dynamic in which my Master has full control over all aspects of me and my life with a well established protocol for our interactions. That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t be goofing around anymore, laughing together, having fun etc, we’re still humans and this will still be a relationship, but the frame is supposed to be a solid one that won’t bend. Right now that’s not what we have, full control and protocol. For example I have my own possessions. We don’t do maintenance discipline for the time being. We have very little rules and protocols yet. We don’t have a routine for many things yet. Our life has been so chaotic and unpredictable that this wasn’t possible in a meaningful manner. Also am I/have I been in charge of many things I shouldn’t be as His slave due to language problems. We are in Germany but He doesn’t speak German so *I* had to find an apartment, organize everything, talk to people, do all the Visa paperwork, accompany Him to appointments and speak in His name, translate contracts, make sure we have Internet, that He has a German phone, bank account, tax ID number, pays the broadcasting fees, gets a temporary residence permit and so on. I gladly do these things and consider this a form of serving too, but it’s still a weird feeling to be effectively in charge of all these existential issues. If I fuck something up, e.g. the apartment, the Visa, a money transfer or whatever, we would be homeless or He would have to leave Europe etc. That’s exactly the responsibility a slave does NOT want to have and that causes me immense stress. There’s nothing we can do about it at the moment except continue our German lessons, and I manage to deal with it, but of course that’s not how we want it to be and how we feel comfortable. He feels uncomfortable because He is not in control of many, essential, things and I feel uncomfortable because I have responsibility and a weight on my shoulders I don’t want to bear.
As time goes on all these things will be sorted out. The immigration issues will be solved, we will have a permanent place to live where we feel comfortable and He will be in charge of literally everything. That’s how we both like it best. And once this is the case, because it’s the basis, we can finally start to establish a ‘real’ (as in as we want to live it, as in our goal) Master slave life. We will have a meaningful routine for everything that makes sense as a routine, rules and punishments for all important things, protocols that make us feel secure and happy in our respective positions, I won’t have to worry about existential issues because He will take care of everything and I will support Him by just doing what He tells me to do. How exactly these protocols and rules, this whole life, will look like, I have no idea (and neither has He, I asked Him). We don’t have a specific picture in mind how everything will be - we know how the frame looks like and we paint the picture as we go.
Regarding our ‘kink’-life in the broadest sense… it will probably change/develop too. Even though we do have a level of trust already that allows me to submit to my Master in terms of sex/kink unconditionally, as in ‘He can do whatever He wants with/to me’, in practice this has still some natural, inevitable limits at the moment. We live in a little rented apartment in the middle of the city. So we can’t just build a cage into the wall or the like and we have neighbors literally above, under, right and left of us who would probably go crazy if I were constantly screaming. We can’t do anything outdoors except we would go far outside the city. My Master doesn’t have the space and means to build things, which He would like to do at some point, create His own BDSM gear and stuff, like a spanking bench, or some sort of framework to restrain me and so on. Once we have more space He wants to start doing that. Also is there a natural interpersonal limit of what He can safely do in terms of sadism since we are only together for such a short time. Of course I have a safeword I can use if any kind of trouble occurs, but it’s still different to just knowing someone inside and out. Over time He will learn all my different reactions and tolerances to different kinds of pain or stimuli in general, what has which psychological or physical effect on me, also on Him, how exactly our SM ‘feedback loop’ works and so on and the more we learn about each other in this regard the further He can go and the more content we both will be about it.
To sum it up … we will hopefully be living on the countryside where we have the room and freedom to do what we want. He will continue working from remote as a programmer as long as necessary and retire as early as possible. He will have full control over me and be in charge of our lives and I will serve Him. In its core our relationship will be (already is) traditional gender roles style, He takes care of keeping our life together, I do all the household stuff, care for the animals and support Him. We will have a well working routine, rules and protocols but at the same time the freedom to express ourselves, me too, as the loving couple we are in whatever ways feels best for us. We will find a balance between these two. We will mostly be on our own, we both don’t like socializing very much but we won’t isolate ourselves completely. Family is important to the both of us. We will never stop loving each other and we will be happy. - And then we just love and live happily ever after.
That’s the ideal.
Of course life never works out exactly as you plan it. I will never be completely and absolutely free from all responsibilities, we will never live completely without any worries, our routine will get interrupted, our protocols won’t always make sense in every situation and so on. Maybe my mother gets sick when she’s older and needs my care (I’m her only family). Maybe my Master’s daughter wants to live with us for awhile before she moves into her own apartment. Maybe we run out of money and can’t realize these dreams. Maybe one of us has an accident. Or something else… Life always finds a way to kick you in the ass and an ideal is never going to become reality.
But we will work on getting as close to it as possible. And anyway… the journey is the destination (:Thank you for this interesting Ask.