November 2018

blue-eyed-kitten12:

I wholeheartedly agree. It’s not only the men’s job to shower us women with compliments, but they need and deserve the same. Everybody needs validation and appreciation from the people they love, that’s nothing gender-specific, or exclusive to submissives, but a universal human need, something that makes everyone happy and feel loved and cared for.

I tell my Master every single day how important He is to me, how much I appreciate His hard, consistent work to provide a good life for us (also but not only referring to His job, but every kind of work He does for us), how grateful I am for that and how much I love Him. I tell Him often, how handsome He is, how attractive I find Him, how much I like His beautiful hands, His super soft skin, this sexy body of His that doesn’t look or feel or behave one day older than 30. When He achieves something special or reaches a goal that He worked especially hard for, I tell Him how proud of Him I am (and I really am). I make sure He knows how much I admire Him in His approach to and attitude towards… anything really (‘there’s always a solution, you just have to dig deep enough’, 'don’t take the easy way’, 'follow your dreams no matter what others say or think about it’, and of course 'never give up’). I tell Him regularly, every time it comes to my mind, what a good man He is, with a kind heart and a brilliant mind. I tell Him that He awesome - yes, sometimes I literally say 'You are just awesome!’ (:

And the best thing about this… I don’t even need to 'come up’ with compliments, I don’t need to 'create’ or find them, but these things are naturally on my mind so often, that I just verbalize them, whenever they occur. When I randomly think “He looks so handsome in this blue shirt”, I just tell Him exactly that, or when I think “I’m so lucky to have such a good man” or “He makes me so proud to be His wife” or “I’ve never met a sharper mind” or “He’s so funny, I’ve never laughed so often so hard in my life” or “His kindness and compassion is heartwarming” or “This casual tug on the ring of my collar/slap on my ass… that He just did / how He rests His legs on my back when I’m lying at His feet / how He grabs my hair hard and pulls back my head / how sadistic He sometimes is in teasing me with something …..makes my knees so weak, He’s so sexy in His dominant behavior/mannerisms *hearteyes*” or “I feel so safe with Him” or just “Oh I love Him so much…” - - when these thoughts randomly pop up in my mind, I just verbalize them, and thereby He always knows what He means to me. And He tells me that it makes Him happy to hear these things from me.

Dominants do not only need our 'physical worship’ but our emotional worship too. They need to feel our love and affection and praise and pride as much as we need theirs; as we need to hear them say “Good Girl”, they need to hear it too how proud we are of them, only in different words.

Gute Nacht Tumblr // Good night Tumblr

“That’s what really brightens my day… when you laugh.”

- quote by @keepingher

___________

My Master is not the ‘romantic type’ in the classical sense of the word and as it is commonly understood. He doesn’t say 'I love you’ very often, but He shows it to me through His behavior, in how He treats me and cares for me. He rarely says or does something 'explicitly’ romantic, but every now and then something like this happens. He says or does something that, I believe, He isn’t even aware of its romanticism and subtext. He says it like every other normal statement. And that makes it even more special and precious and meaningful, because it’s so pure, so genuine. When He is being romantic, it’s always 'by accident’ so to speak, and so I always know, that it’s not an empty phrase, not something He would say in order to be romantic on/for a purpose, no prepared words to make me feel good or cheer me up, but that it’s just what He honestly feels or thinks in this moment. And that’s so heartwarming and never fails to make me smile and feel so loved.

I love You, Master 🖤

And this is what really brightens my days, my life…when You say things like these to me. Thank You for being You, my love.

Hurt me.

anicklebitome:

True

@keepingher - My brilliant mind that I love to look up to 🖤

rosyfever:

anyway. Love is the point

Safe and secure.

Ownership.

the-night-owl-dom:

Few things are more grounding and calming than a (literal or verbal) Tug on the Leash.

theangelicarmy:

Here’s to Traditional Gender Roles, cheers *sips from her Baileys

I understand how this relationship concept/structure does not work for everybody, and I’m not an advocate of TGR in general. But it works for us, and I’m totally an advocate for individuality and tolerance.

There’s a huge feministic outcry in our society right now, demanding equality (or ‘equity’… semantics) for everybody in everything. Equal pay, equal job opportunities, equal responsibilities and privileges. Equal rights. And that’s great and long overdue. But when you, as a woman, make these demands your own and exercise your equal rights in the form of making a free choice to submit to a man as a/his housewife, to do his laundry, cook him dinner, abide by his rules, surrender financial independence, be sexually available, let him make the decisions, defer to his judgement, even willingly submit to punishments for wrongdoing… - then you’re suddenly an anti-feminist, at best. In the worst case you’re not only simply mentally misled, but even either a victim, or a traitor.

Feminism means Pro Choice! You want to be a pilot, a nurse, a doctor, a kindergarten teacher, a mathematician, an entrepreneur, an artist, a construction worker, a programmer, a (fulltime-)wife?! Awesome. Do it. And guess what… these are all equally 'valid’ choices and they are all covered by 'equal rights for everybody’.

Do what makes you happy! Become who you want to be!

Yours.

s-t-u-p-o-r-e:

“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”

— Marc Maron (via quotemadness)

But He tells me again and again how I’m exactly right for Him 🖤 That’s a wonderful feeling.

out-of-the-ashes:

“And so, she decided to start living the life she’d imagined.”

Anonymous (via wordsnquotes)

Choosing You was and is one of the very few things that I did and do right in my life. - @keepingher

how do you feel now that tumblr is working out on all the nsfw tags blacklisting them and getting rid of all the nsfw tumblrs? and i saw their last update was to get rid of all the tumblrs that are nsfw.

instructor144:

It’s been an open secret for awhile that Tumblr wants to rid itself of NSFW blogs, the recent events are just the latest in their efforts to make this a hostile and increasingly unusable environment for NSFW.

The tags in my header still don’t work (at all, “This Tumblr is amazingly blank”). Increasingly hostile and unusable indeed.

purplebuddhaproject:

“That’s why I’m talking to you. You are one of the rare people who can separate your observation from your preconception. You see what is, where most people see what they expect.”

— John Steinbeck 
(via purplebuddhaquotes)

@keepingher

That’s indeed one important reason why I enjoy talking to You so much. You see what is. What You see is not (very much) influenced by how You feel about it, by Your opinions, by irrational considerations. You see the world in another light, a ‘purer’ way than anybody else I’ve met before. And even than myself, being a very rational creature already. You make me question things that I took as a simple fact before, You make me think about things that seemed obvious, You challenge my mind every day.

You are a rare and precious thing as a conversation partner. As a partner in general.

I’m very happy to be with You, to have You around me every minute of the day. To be the one with whom You choose to share Your thoughts, Your unique view on the world.

grin-n-sin:

We were almost out of time, but were granted a second chance. Things can change, even end, so quickly. Don’t ever wait, for anything, living your life as it makes you happy.

@keepingher

just-shower-thoughts:

The difference between bravery and stupidity is success.

Technically, rationally, wrong - but practically, unfortunately, right; for bravery and stupidity are mostly/by most people evaluated and qualified in retrospect and connected to the result.

________

Another thing I don’t understand about humans… how they are not capable of differentiation on an abstract level.

(Extreme) Example (to make a point) :

Person A does Act x, with x being something perfectly reasonable, thoughtful, smart. Due to a very unfortunate coincidence (~accidence) x causes the death of someone who Person B loves though. Consequence: B hates A for x ~ for a reasonable, thoughtful and smart deed.

Or, the opposite…

Person A does Act x, with x being something recklessly irresponsible, stupid, dangerous. Due to a very fortunate, strange coincidence, x causes something that saves Person B’s life. Consequence: B loves/thanks A for x ~ for a irresponsible, stupid, dangerous act.

(Obviously you can’t generalize this, it’s just a tendency)

_______

To me that’s craziness. People are crazy. I don’t get people…

Owned.

Becoming one is beautiful; suffering because your man is a sadist, is not. Controlling, guiding, even demanding is good. But hurting you deliberately seriously only proves your man is insecure and not at all as strong as he would like to believe he is. In my mind, it actually makes him weak that he enjoys the suffering he causes you. There is no glory in it, no compassion, no grace. It's barbaric, retarded. Just plain violence against you. Call it submission, devotion etc. True Love it is NOT.

keepingher:

keptmathilda:

Part 2/2: The ultimate proof that your intense intimacy is in fact make believe is that if you were truly his slave, if he bought you or abducted you, he would use you yes, sexually and otherwise (cleaning etc.) but would minimize your pain/suffering so you can be of service for a long time. Just because you are owned and he can hurt you, does not mean he should. It’s foolish, both to you and to him. I know you can’t see. But know this: he is flawed in a way you are blind to. His sadism is not blessed.    

_____________________

[I won’t answer every Ask/comment about this matter in such deep detail but I use this Ask to do it properly once, to write everything down I have to say about this subject, so in the future I can just refer to this post if I get similar Asks (which, I’m sure, will happen) and don’t have to waste my precious time every single time over and over again…]

_____________________

I don’t share this opinion and I don’t like it that you try to sell it as a fact. It is fine that you personally are not into SM and don’t want your Dom/Master to hurt you, but that doesn’t mean everybody has to be like this and it is no reason to insult people who live a different kind of life / have a different point of view than you(rs).

You can’t define ‘love’ for everybody, it’s something very personal and means something else for different people. I think I understand what ‘love’ is for you, but your definition of love only means that somebody who would hurt you would show you by doing so that he doesn’t really love you (because he would do something to you that you don’t like, need or want and that would even trigger a negative reaction/negative emotions and somebody who loves you wouldn’t do that). But you can’t just transfer this to some other person - it doesn’t mean that another person who does it to somebody else but you also doesn’t love the one he is doing it to. This would be the same as to say “My man shows me his love by making me breakfast every morning, so when another man makes breakfast for his woman it means that he loves her.” No, it does not - he could secretly love another woman and just do it for another reason like prevent his wife from thinking something’s wrong if he would suddenly stop making her breakfast or whatever. You get what I’m trying to say? That something applies to you personally doesn’t mean it applies to everybody else. And especially when it is about love, because this is something very personal and individual that shows through completely different things in different relationships. Same goes for ‘a is good…b is bad…c is foolish….d is not blessed’ and so on. That’s your personal opinion, that’s how it works for you in your life, it is not a general fact and no ‘ultimate proof’ for anything.

______________________

I have a relationship with a wonderful person and in which I am perfectly happy. And to get tortured is not something I consider to be a flaw, a bad thing, in this relationship but something that is part of what makes it so wonderful and me so happy - despite I’m not a masochist = don’t enjoy pain. I have been with different types of Dominants for over 15 years now and some of them were sadists and some of them were not and I can honestly tell you that in the end my relationships with the sadists were the happier ones (which doesn’t mean relationships with sadistic Doms would be more likely to be happy in general, it just was like this for me, of course it’s different for everybody), because it is a different kind of dynamic that works better for me for various reasons. I am happy with my relationship exactly as it is, incl sadism, and that other people, you for example, wouldn’t like this kind of life I am living, wouldn’t be happy with a Master like mine, doesn’t mean that my, our, happiness wouldn’t be ‘valid’ or ‘true’. That’s nonsense. Tolerance is the keyword here. Being tolerant towards other people, different lifestyles, means, to sum it up, to accept and respect that what is true for you doesn’t have to be true for others.

So it is not me who is ‘blind’, it is you. You don’t even know the people you are talking about, Him and me, and whom you are judging. You have obviously no experience with sadism or sadistic Dominants and yet you claim to know - even better than people who have this experience for decades - what it means and doesn’t mean. You don’t have a relationship yourself, or at least not one that fulfills you (I can tell because, anonymous or not, I know whom this Ask is coming from), that you are happy with, and yet believe to know better how a happy relationship has to be than people who are actually living in a happy relationship - and try to convince them that they are wrong about how they see their own relationship. And on top of that you even insult them. That’s the very definition of narrow-minded, intolerant and arrogant. And I, honestly, don’t even mean this to be an insult but just as the logical conclusion of what I wrote before.

______________________

Besides the intolerance/arrogance-problem you are also making a major error in reasoning here - or it’s probably connected to each other. You confuse sadism with violence. Those are two completely different things. A violent man doesn’t love his victim, violence is a sign of insecurity, violence is retarded, a relationship based on violence is not true love, victims of violence are blind to this etc but that has nothing to do with sadism in this context. All your arguments apply to violence but not to sadism in terms of the “S” in (BD)SM (and that’s always the definition of sadism I’m referring to everywhere on my blog, I’m not talking about the sadism of serial killers or the like). Sadism in this context just is not equal violence.

1.) Violence generally includes the possibility of damage or even death. A violent person doesn’t take care not to damage his victim, it doesn’t matter to him in the best case or he even wants to inflict damage in the worst case. - A sadistic Master would never damage or kill his sub, he even takes good care not to damage her. - Violence is about damaging, sadism is about hurting (without damaging). 2.) Violence implies a complete lack / the complete absence of respect towards the victim (because of the first point). Your own physical safety and soundness is THE most basic need a human being has, everything else comes far behind that, is the strongest motivation humans have (if your life is in danger you do something, anything, everything about it no matter the costs), is the last, literally the absolutely very last, thing you would give up for whatever kind of higher purpose, is the one thing that matters before everything else (only exception may be your loved one’s life in some rare cases). Someone who has no respect for this, has no respect for anything about you and doesn’t care for you at all. - A Master, sadistic or not, always respects you (or if he doesn’t respect you he doesn’t deserve this title and you should run away from him at once). 3.) Violence is an ‘error’ in the system (brain, mind, psyche, behavioral pattern etc) - Sadism is an anomaly, a deviation from the average system’s structure. (I admit this is kind of a philosophical question, the violence = system-error thing, it is just my opinion.) And this is a HUGE difference. 4.) Violence is the result of insecurities/disabilities, it only occurs when someone is incapable of handling a difficult situation or his own inner mental or emotional processes. - A sadist never acts sadistic in a crisis (he knows how to handle a crisis in an effective way and these things have nothing to do with each other anyway). Sadism is not a coping mechanism for insecurity, it is a fetish, a sexual preference, a turn-on. That’s two completely different things. 5.) Violence serves a purpose only for the violent person, not for the victim. - Sadism serves a purpose for both (even for me as a non-masochist it serves a purpose = I am getting something out of it that compensates, much more than that, for the pain). 6.) This is the direct consequence of the fifth point. Violence has a ‘positive’ effect on the one, and a negative on the other person. - Sadism has a positive effect on both partners, it makes both, the person who inflicts the pain and the person who receives it, happy in the end.

[plus a thousand other points].

I’m not sure if I could really explain the difference. I feel like trying to explain a blind person what a rainbow looks like. But in the end it doesn’t really matter anyway. You do not need to understand it, just respect it, respect that it is something other people do and are happy with, that’s enough.

______________________

One last thing that is important to me:

You called my Master “insecure, weak, barbaric, retarded, violent, flawed” and someone with “no glory […], no compassion, no grace” and our relationship to each other a fake, our love and happiness an illusion. (And at the same time by doing that you basically accused me of being completely crazy and stupid for being with Him but I just ignore that.)

I do not allow anyone on my blog to insult Him in this way. I only publish these insults now once to have a reason for this exact message to everyone of you, who you read my blog:

You don’t know Him. I do. You don’t know me. I do. You don’t know our relationship, how we are living, what we are doing, how we are feeling. I do. What you believe to know is not the reality but an imagination, is your personal idea of our life, based on a tiny snippet we cut out of our lives and post here. This does not give you the right to judge, let alone insult us. I don’t want to have this kinds of Asks and comments here.

“No judgement zone” isn’t a one-way-road. If you write me about your fantasies and fetishes in your Asks I don’t judge you or even insult you for them but I take every single Ask serious and I’m tolerant towards all kinds of fetishes and preferences -  and I expect the same in return.

_____________________

You know, in the end there’s really only one thing that matters… I’m the happiest I ever was in my life with Him. He’s the happiest He ever was in His life with me. What else is there to say?! … And if you can’t say the same about yourself, you should rather spend your time wondering why and shut the fuck up instead of wasting your time on some stranger on the internet. 

Thanks for your attention.

Kitty’s got claws, folks.

Reblogged for some anon whose Ask I won’t publish. @anon This is my answer to your bullshit too.

__________

(Completely unrelated: Reading through old posts of mine I notice for the first time how bad my grammar used to be. Astonishing the improvements you make in only one year talking to a native speaker…)

Hi! :) I was wondering if in your opinion it’s possible to be possessive of your sub, or even just significant other, while not being “overly jealous” or being a jealous person? does this distinction exist? I trust your input, and have pondered about this! Thank you so much :)

instructor144:

I like to use the distinction (which some might not agree with) between “territorial” and “jealous.”

Territorial: “You are mine.”

Jealous: “Why were you talking to that guy?? Where were you last night, I called and called, were you fucking someone?? Are you seeing other Doms???”

My Master is extremely ‘territorial’ and protective, but not in the slightest jealous. So, this combination definitely exists.

I guess what makes the difference is trust and feeling secure and loved and worshiped in your relationship. Oh and, confidence in yourself.

Are you allowed to have pretty nails

I’m allowed to have my nails however I want. At the moment long on the right and short on the left hand because I’m learning guitar. Without any nail polish. When I was younger I used to have them short on both sides (piano) and in another color every week, but I’ve become lazier over time.

Can you feminize me

No.

“My favorite part of the night is…” (points with His left hand to His right shoulder) “ …your head right here.” - quote by @keepingher <3

________

Gute Nacht Tumblr // Good night Tumblr

Yes, i am not native speaker at all. So, which other (soft limits) did you two leave behind you since you started being a couple?

For example electroshocks was a limit for me before our relationship. Not exactly a hard limit, but more than a soft limit. I had kind of a medium serious bad experience with electroshocks (in a non kink context) as a teenager once and since then a huge fear of everything electrical. But with my Master I found it to be rather unproblematic because I trust Him unconditionally. It was an irrational fear, like most fears that stem from some sort of traumatic event, which are hard to overcome normally, but, I don’t exactly know why, with Him it was and is okay. Since He likes (to inflict) this kind of pain very much, it makes me even happy to give it to Him now.

We don’t really have any soft limits in the actual sense of the word with each other, only hard limits and things we don’t like / want to do, which are the same for us (the things He doesn’t like and the ones I don’t like). But that’s a matter of trust. There were things I didn’t want to do with anybody before because I never reached this level of trust and devotion with anybody to completely surrender everything, but with Him I did, so He can do whatever He wants.

@keepingher 🖤

Your property.

quaintrellescompendium:

Do you know what is sexy?

A man who wants to hold your hand because he wants to feel close to you.

A man who is going wipe your tears when the air compressor in your car breaks.

A man who is going wash your hair when you are delirious with fever and not expect to fuck you.

A man who spanks your derrière when your week at work has been exceptionally stressful.

A man who wants to make your life better because you make his life better too.

He did actually wash my hair when I had a fever, several times already. And for several weeks, when He was recovering from an injury and could barely move, we went under the shower together every other day and I cleaned Him, from top to toe, carefully not to hurt Him.

To care for one another in this way is such an intimate act. It feels so pure. Kneeling before Him in the shower, naked, and doing Him a service, not in a sexual but such a mundane way like cleaning His skin… and the other way around, having Him stand right behind me, but His hands don’t touch my body but make sure to carefully rinse all the shampoo out of my long hair because I can’t lift my arms… This is deep devotion and commitment for each other.

You feel completely exposed, body and soul. You are, despite the warm water, freezing, shaking from the fever, you can barely move, naked not only physically but in every way, every muscle, nerve and bone hurts. And He is there, caring for you like for a little child, that is utterly helpless. And doing the same for Him.

This is care. I’ve never felt so cared for and valued, so safe with somebody before. And so trusted and loved. To go through the bad times together, when you’re truly vulnerable, and making sure that the other is well and safe. That’s the kind of intimacy that makes you grow closer together than anything else.

It’s You - @keepingher

Okay, which is your favorite gag then? And, which one do you get most often?

I don’t really care, but if I had to choose I’d say that a classical (soft) ball gag would be my preference and is at the same time the one He uses most often.

It’s possible to wear it for a longer period of time than most other gags and you can bite on it without risk of damage to teeth or jaw which is important when you wear it while experiencing pain.

Were you allowed to teach him other things like the face slap, which you knew from before that it would turn you on?

Reference

I didn’t “teach” Him face slaps, or anything for that matter. I asked Him if He would try it with me and we talked about it and He agreed and liked it. We also had this the other way around, trying things that I had an aversion against, but with Him I liked it. It’s a form of pushing soft limits and see how each reacts to it.

I find your choice of words (me ‘teaching’ Him, which puts me linguistically in a superior position relative to Him) rather disrespectful to be honest, towards my Master and our Dynamic. There is no need to try to be provocative with me, please phrase your asks a little more mindfully in the future. Thank you. (In case this is just a language problem, as in you’re not a native speaker and didn’t really mean 'teach’ but something else / didn’t intend this slight tone of disrespect in this Ask, just ignore this last paragraph.)

Which is his favorite gag to gag you?

Ask Him.

Hitting you in the face, I thought, was not appealing to him?

That’s right, it wasn’t, it was kind of a (very) soft limit for Him in this sense that He didn’t find it appealing and therefore didn’t do it.

And because of that, He didn’t do it in a very long time with anybody, and until recently has never done it with me, so we decided to do a ‘reassessment’, to just try it again and see how it feels. And He found out that now and with me it turned Him on (and me anyway but I knew that before already), so it’s no longer off limits.

Deep needs or phobias (normally) always stay the same, but turn-ons and -offs, preferences and aversions, can change, when circumstances change, or with different people or just over time because you yourself change. As our Dynamic grows and develops, we grow with it, and that naturally causes changes and shifts.

People and relationships are not static but a living thing, so you have to be flexible and adapt. And in the process you sometimes discover new ways to have fun (:

Meta-Talks: What’s the Point?

thetriskeliondiaries:

So tonight I was wandering around Tumblr and I came across a question and an answer. 

The question was, and I’m paraphrasing here: “what’s the point of meta talks? Shouldn’t people just talk about things?” 

The response was what gave me pause. The answerer basically was summed up like this: “meta talks are actually super bad and give the submissive the idea that they can’t express themselves whenever they need to. There’s no point in talking about the relationship as though it’s seperate.” 

Basically, meta-talk = bad. 

I cannot tell you how wholeheartedly I disagree. 

What’s the point of having a meta-talk? What’s the point of taking a scheduled time to discuss the dynamic when you should just be talking about the dynamic all the time? 

Because life happens. 

Yes, it would be amazing if @herdramaticsir and I could just sit down and talk about our dynamic all the time. But sometimes there comes a time when we need to actively plan our talks. It’s the same concept as scheduling sex, putting date night on the calender, or making sure you call your mom once a week. 

There are three kinds of meta-talks, as far as I can see. 

An example occured in a post I did called “Measured Dominance” when I shared a moment about T requiring me to start wearing make-up. The short version is that He gave me a rule during a moment of intentional D/s that set me into a place that I wasn’t sure I could handle. I responded appropriately, then asked for a meta talk right there. It was a sort of “pause, can we discuss this” type moment where we could regroup and figure things out. 

This is another thing that T and I have encorporated into our dynamic. Every Sunday night, we sit down together and we have an in-depth meta talk check in. How did the week go? How did we feel about things we did or did not do, things we introduced such as new rules or guidelines? Was there enough tangible D/s for our comfort, or do we need to be more intentional about things? 

If there is something going on in the dynamic specifically that isn’t working right in that moment, or if you’ve noticed a problem that needs to be intentionally discussed, this is when you call for a meta-talk. “Hey, so, I’m really been struggling with the fact that I’ve been asking for a maintenance beating for almost two weeks now. This is something I really need and something that is very important to me. Could we please sit down and talk about this, as well as maybe set a timeframe in which this will occur?” This is a beautiful method of communicating issues, problems, or time-bound needs without slipping into the issue that comes from “topping from the bottom.” 

My parents had this thing they did called “marriage time.” They did it every other day. They would sit down on the couch and say to my sister and I, “girls, we are going to spend some time talking about our marriage and our relationship. It’s important for us to do this. Go play in your room; we will call you when we are done.” It would be anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour, depending on how much time they had set aside in their day, but it always happened. They made it a priority. 

This has stuck with me my entire life. Check-ins are healthy and normal. With the chaos of life, planning them and making them an intentional rhythm in a dynamic is extremely healthy. 

I have never once felt like the practice of meta talks silences my voice or instills a “speak when spoken to” mentality. 

If anything, it makes me feel more confident and secure in my ability to talk to T as not only my SIr but also my boyfriend and life partner. 

(@instructor144​ has an incredible piece on meta-talks that can be found here. It’s one of my favorites, and is absolutely worth the read)

My Master and I are as close as it gets to a relationship in which you can have a talk about anything at any time, and still we had to learn it the hard way, that the arguments “(Scheduled) Metatalks are bad because they imply that it’s not possible or encouraged to just openly communicate anything at any time / are unnecessary when it already is possible and encouraged to just openly communicate anything at any time” are flawed, because they don’t take everything relevant (all the different functions of a Metatalk) into consideration.

First, what I mean by “we are as close as it gets…” is this: We live alone, have no children together and no family closeby that we would have to integrate into or to take into consideration in how we live our daily life or that would distract us or require our time or attention. It’s only the two of us, we are always focused only on each other, and we like that. I’m practically a housewife with no other responsibilities than household (and bookkeping/accounting) and relationship, and my Master works remote, in a job that allows Him to take a break at almost any time if it would be necessary. We do virtually everything together, we are always around each other and we are rarely around other people because we don’t like that. Also it’s an inherent part of our Dynamic, that I’m allowed and encouraged to voice all my opinions, thoughts, concerns, fears, joys, problems, criticism, questions, doubts, hopes, needs, wants, wishes… literally everything that goes on in my head, at any time, no matter what - and this, if necessary, i.e. if the topic or circumstances call for it, in an ‘equal adults’ form of conversation, with no other protocol than the general social one, respectful in language, honest in content etc - and that He will always listen and take me seriously, and vice versa.

So for us it really is possible, technically and practically, to have a talk about anything at any time and it is encouraged from both sides to do so. We have the time and means, it’s practically feasible, our Dynamic allows it to talk on the same level to each other whenever necessary, and we both explicitly want each other to always communicate potentially everything.

Now why would we even need 'Metatalks’, let alone scheduled ones?! I recently wrote about it in detail here (’ Putting in the work ’) in form of a specific example, but maybe to make it even clearer by keeping it more generally:

A lack of time/opportunity to talk, as in 'life gets in the way’ (one or both are at work, the children require attention, the dog is sick etc), or a D/s related protocol that explicitly has to be 'lifted’ in order to have a same-level-conversation are only two and not all existing reasons why a scheduled Metatalk would make sense or could be necessary. One important aspect is often overlooked:

Self awareness and introspection. My Master and I didn’t have a however planned Metatalk in a long time, until we ran into an actual problem. We thought it’s not necessary for us to 'schedule’ a talk since we can talk whenever we want and that’s what we frequently did and do, we do talk about everything all the time. And what happened was that we didn’t notice a slight drift that happened just below the threshold of consciousness over a longer period of time, because we never actively forced ourselves to dig into our relationship-internal structures and processes. Changes that happen slowly and subtly are extremely hard to recognize if you don’t actively remind yourself to analyze your individual and mutual inner structure, to be introspective. And I am already by nature a very introspective mind, but still it’s difficult to notice a flaw in the system if you don’t consciously stop for a moment and take a closer look at all the different cogs and gears.

And that’s exactly the third important function of a Metatalk, and one that cannot be replaced by anything else. A scheduled Metatalk is a 'Stop sign’ (and as such has to be put up in advance to work ~ 'scheduled’) that forces you to stop moving, and stand perfectly still within yourself and the Dynamic for awhile, in order to be able to focus on different parts of the system separately and analyze them for flaws, that you could not recognize while everything’s in motion.

If you don’t regularly take time off for these 'in(tro)spections’, at some point something in the system will break and then you definitely will notice it, but (/because) you will have a huge mess, that could have been prevented, if noticed in an earlier state.

Ergo… Have Metatalks!

My dominant and I are very close But his health has been declining and he is not taking action to fix it. He’s not even 30 and has suffered a heart attack and has fatty liver disease and has slipped multiple disks in his back. I feel like he struggling to accept the reality and struggling to care about himself. But it worries me so deeply, I’ve invested a lot of myself and my life into this man It hurts when I see him fail to control what is damaging him. Today he was already drunk by 3.

instructor144:

Here’s a hard truth for you: you can’t “fix” him, and you can’t “save” him. I often have this conversation with a sub being the one that a Dom thinks they need to “save” or “fix,” but your situation is not unique. He’s obviously chosen his path; now you have to make the hard decision on what your path is going to look like.

From the perspective of somebody who has been there, on both sides of this kind of relationship (-issue)…

As the partner: With him it wasn’t as bad as you describe it with your Dom, @anon, like heart attack, fatty liver or slipped disks, but one of my former Doms had in general a similar problem. He had diabetes and a constant back pain from being overweight for his entire life and, even though for some reason he had incredible muscle strength, his health was generally in a poor condition. Also he smoked weed every day, not so much that he would have been noticeably ‘high’, he appeared perfectly normal, but he was definitely addicted.

We started our relationship with the understanding, that he will have to change his life regarding his medical condition, losing weight and at least reducing the weed, so to become healthy. He convinced me that this is what he wants himself, that he just never had any support and that’s why he failed he said. I knew from own experience how hard it is, how impossible it appears, to turn your life around when you’re completely alone and how one person can change everything, so I believed him and in him. I vowed to be this person for him, to support him in any way I can, and I did.

One year later nothing had changed really (ups and downs but in the end no relevant development) and I told him that this is starting to damage our relationship. He promised to do better, and it’s not that he didn’t try, in fact he did a lot of the right things but nothing 100% really, so it didn’t work out in the end. Another six months later, still nothing had changed, and I told him, that I won’t be able to do this much longer, investing all my energy in supporting him while watching him how he is breaking his promise every day and how his health declines more and more over time. I told him that our relationship has no future that way. He apologized a hundred times, again, and promised, again, that now he will be disciplined and everything will change. Another six months later, two years in the relationship by then, still nothing had changed, and another two months later I had to leave him. Despite still being in love with him. All my energy was drained and my faith in him betrayed. And I was worried sick 24/7 and felt like it was my personal failure. I couldn’t do this anymore and I felt terribly guilty about it, but I just couldn’t.

After more than two years of stagnation it had become obvious that it will never change. And, opposed to how you describe your Dom, @anon, mine even seemed to want to change something, and he tried, he did put some effort in, but not enough, he wasn’t disciplined (or willing, I’m not sure) enough to really pull it through. I supported him in every possible way, I did absolutely everything I could to help him, but it wasn’t enough, because in the end HE was the one, who would’ve had to want it and to do it, 100%, with no excuses, there is no other way. If that’s not the case there is absolutely nothing that you as a partner could do. You can support, and that can make all the difference (see second part of this post), but only if he puts in the work too, if he does his part, which is the absolute will to do it and then powering through relentlessly, no matter how hard it gets. You cannot compensate for that if this is missing on his side.

My Ex was a loving and caring Dominant, like you seem to think about yours too, who would have moved mountains to protect me and who was just in general a good man and someone with whom I had much in common. But this killed the relationship. Had he continued like that, and he had proven already that he will do so, no matter if he wants to or not, I would have spent the rest of my life worrying when He will have a heart attack, continuing to support him with no effect, watching his health decline over time, and being confronted with a broken promise every day and the feeling that I am not enough, that our relationship is not enough, for him to change. That’s an endless emotional pain and extreme stress. This just doesn’t work long term, no matter how much you want it to work. If one partner isn’t willing or able to do his part of the work, and any relationship is work if you want it to last and be happy long term, then you won’t get anywhere (worth getting).

As the 'patient’: I had a severe opiate addiction (IV user), when I met my Master, was extremely thin partially connected to the after effects of a former, almost beaten eating disorder and was in general in a very poor physical and mental condition. Before we got together He made it clear that this is something that I will have to change or a relationship would have no future. I asked Him to believe me, that this change is one that I really want, and that I hadn’t been able to do, because I never had any support and wasn’t able to do it alone, but that with His help I would be able to make it. And He believed me and He believed in me.

One year later I was clean, had a normal weight again and was in a much healthier condition than ever before since my addiction had started. It had been a hellish year, it was one of the most difficult and painful things I’ve ever done, and we both suffered immensely during this time. It was a hard time not only for me but also for Him. But He was always there for me and supported me in every way possible. And this made all the difference.

As a junkie I hadn’t been able to keep up any kind of structure or routine in my life, but He provided that structure for me. No sleeping all day long anymore but getting up and going to bed early. No fast food anymore at weird times, but regular healthy meals. Taking walks outside, no hiding under the sheets. Conversations instead of suppressing all feelings, confrontation instead of numbness. A combination of being strict yet loving, impossible to sway in His decisions yet considerate about my needs and weaknesses. And lots of cuddles and encouraging words.

It was difficult beyond words but I really really wanted it and He was there unconditionally, no matter how nasty it got, and so together we made it. I couldn’t have done it alone. Without Him I would still be where I was 1.5 years ago, or rather even worse. His support made this change possible. He provided the environment, practically, mentally, emotionally, that I needed to be able to pull this through.

But it wouldn’t have worked if I wouldn’t have had the absolute will to reach this goal and wouldn’t have gone forward, one tiny step at a time, no matter how much it hurts. He paved the path for me, was leading the way and rooting for me, helping me up when I fell, but I had to do the WALKING on my own. That’s something He couldn’t do for me, that was my part of the work and I did it.

_________

So… I would not completely agree, that you cannot 'save someone’ (a matter of definition, of semantics though) - I think you can, in the sense of being a crucial part of 'the fix’, a mandatory element without which it wouldn’t work. My Master was this element for me, His support enabled my change, He 'saved me’. - And I did everything in my power to be this supporting influence for my Ex. But in his case it didn’t work. The difference between him and me was that he lacked two things that it takes to go through a difficult change. You need the absolute, unconditional will to walk this path and a grim stubbornness towards all obstacles, to keep walking no matter what, no matter how much it hurts and how long it takes, in order to make it to the end.

Nothing and nobody can compensate for this, even the most loving, encouraging support and the ideal environment won’t help, if somebody lacks the will and the discipline to move forward, no matter how slowly.

@anon, If your Dom doesn’t want, really want, to change and is not willing to put in the work with all he has, then it will never happen, no matter what you will do or say, and at some point you will have completely lost your faith in him and any hope that it ever will. There’s only so much energy you can throw into a bottomless pit (and that’s how it will feel after awhile) as a partner before you crack. And eventually this will poison your relationship and you will be very unhappy, to say the least. As @instructor144 said… You will have to choose if you want to go this path. I strongly recommend you walk away from frustration and unhappiness if your Dom continues to cause you these and to refuse from changing anything about it. He is not taking responsibility for his own life and happiness nor yours as his submissive that way. That does not mean, that he would be a bad person, Dominants are only humans like submissives, sometimes they fail, it only means that it’s neither your fault nor your responsibility and that sometimes love is not enough for happiness.

how do you feel now that tumblr is working out on all the nsfw tags blacklisting them and getting rid of all the nsfw tumblrs? and i saw their last update was to get rid of all the tumblrs that are nsfw.

instructor144:

It’s been an open secret for awhile that Tumblr wants to rid itself of NSFW blogs, the recent events are just the latest in their efforts to make this a hostile and increasingly unusable environment for NSFW.

An unfortunate truth.

After search and tags didn’t work at all for a week or so, now they partially work again but very unreliably. Most of the posts that are part of a specific tag don’t show up under this tag anymore and are nowhere to be found by the normal search function either (e.g. what comes up under my ‘our ds’ tag is incomplete and that’s the case for most of my tags). Sometimes it’s not possible to tag some nsfw blogs, and by extension even to send them a post. Sometimes links to nsfw blogs don’t work. And the list is just getting longer over time.

I must admit, at least with me Tumblr is on a good way to succeed in the attempt to drive nsfw bloggers away. Without the ability to find and refer to older posts of myself or my Master’s and to tag people, I feel myself slowly losing interest in blogging here…

yusdyugandhar:

I need one of those long hugs where you kinda forget whatever else is happening around you for a minute.

Definitely my No1 physical need. Before kisses. Before sex. Before any other kind of physical contact. Hugs, meaning wrapping one’s arms around one another no matter in what position, are the most important, the main physical expression of care for me, and the one with the most and deepest ‘subtext’. I’m convinced that Hugs are a crucial part of any loving relationship and one of the major emotional bonding-mechanisms.

Serious, well meant advice: Hug each other more often! You can never hug enough. Seriously. It does something to you and your relationship, in both directions, a lack of hugs can be damaging in a subtle way, hugs have a healing effect on damaged people and relationships, regular hugs cause and keep closeness. Hugs, hugs, hugs! <3

As a major history nerd, I’m curious, if it’s not too insensitive, what is the general attitude towards Jews in Germany today? Are there still any anti-Semitic attitudes?

I don’t find it insensitive, don’t worry. (But I rarely ever find questions asked out of honest curiosity insensitive, regardless of the content of the question, so I don’t know how representative I am, for the average German, or the average human; probably not very much. Anyway, my point: @ everybody, Please ask whatever you want without fear it could be insensitive or inappropriate. I don’t care about these things, the only thing I care about is that nobody is disrespectful towards anybody on my blog, that’s all.)

________

Re: The actual Ask

Of course there is every kind of discrimination in every country in the world, including antisemitism and including Germany. That (‘tribalism’ in the broadest sense, and its various expressions and manifestations) is part of human nature unfortunately. So there certainly is antisemitism in Germany too.

Every now and then you have a headline about for example (real occurences) some lowlife who hit a random stranger in the face, on the sidewalk out of nothing, because he wore a kippa, or someone who sprayed a swastika on a synagogue, or things like these. It happens.

But I honestly have the impression, that these are exceptions like they happen everywhere and against every minority sometimes, and not a symptom of general antisemitism in Germany. I have never, in over 30 years in this country, personally witnessed antisemitism or heard from anybody I know and talked to who had, ever, not even once. And I also never had a feeling of a silent, underlying antisemitic attitude or atmosphere anywhere in Germany where I lived (East, North and West so far, so I can’t say anything about the South).

If anything it’s rather the opposite, that, because of our history, we make an effort to always be especially 'politically correct’, in general already and especially when it comes to Jews. I think Germans are, 'necessarily’, much more sensitized in this respect than anybody else on the planet, to a point where it can even become problematic. A German who says something, anything, against a Jew is instantly seen and declared as a 'Neo-Nazi’ (in German language 'Nazis’ are technically only the actual, original Nazis from the Third Reich, people with the same ideas born later are technically 'Neo-Nazis’, but they are often called just Nazis anyway…just btw), regardless if what he said is justified or not. If a Jew is behaving like an asshole, we know that we are still not 'allowed’ to say 'Asshole’ because we’re German and they’re Jewish. Germans, still today, my generation, born more than 40 years, today more than 70 years, after the end of WWII, are very sensitive to our history and it still influences our behavior in certain contexts.

To wrap it up…no, in general I don’t think that there is an antisemitic attitude in Germany, more than in other countries, but rather an anti-antisemitic one. But also I’m afraid that worldwide antisemitism is still an issue, for reasons that are entirely beyond my comprehension, and Germany is no exception from that phenomenon. So we do have antisemitic assholes here, and all other kinds of assholes, like every country has, but Germany is, unlike other countries due to our unique history, probably more aware of it and the majority of Germans do not share these poisonous ideas and are very careful not to accidentally give off any signals that could be interpreted otherwise.

Our last 1.5 years in Numbers

I mentioned frequently already that I have ‘a thing for numbers’ so that’s why today I made this little list. Not for you guys really, but because I had 'an itch’ to do it, a little bit for myself and mainly for my Master, but when I was finished I thought it’s kind of interesting and something worth sharing. So…

________

525 days - since our first contact (I commented on one of His posts here on Tumblr)

499 days - since our first date (He happened to travel through the region, in which I lived at the time, on His way to Norway to visit relatives so we decided to meet up)

440 days - since we moved in together and became a couple (incl. started our D/s Dynamic; in the beginning He wasn’t my 'Master’ yet though, for we barely knew each other, so I called Him 'Sir’, and the hierarchy grew slowly taller over time)

109 days - since we married

which means

26 days - between first contact and first date (coincidence, that we got in touch shortly before this already long planned trip of His, of which I didn’t know anything about when I contacted Him)

60 days - between first date and moving in together

(86 days - between first contact and becoming a couple)

332 days - between moving in and wedding

(417/391 days - between first contact/date and wedding)

Yeah…It all happened pretty quickly between us… You can imagine how delighted our parents were about their child marrying some foreign stranger from the other side of the planet after not even 11 months together, haha

_________

423 days - of the 440 since we became a couple, we spent together

17 days - we spent apart (10 days He was in Japan to visit His daughter, 5 on a business trip (the first trip, the one to Brussels, had been cancelled), 2 I was in Cologne while He stayed at home; and then spontaneously came after me because we couldn’t stand the full originally scheduled four days missing each other)

23 hours at least - of the day that we spend together (one hour sometimes when I go shopping for groceries during His work time)

________

8793 km (5464 miles) - distance He traveled to be with me

777 km (482 miles) - distance I traveled to be with Him

70,726 km (43,947 miles) - distance He traveled in total during the last 1.5 years

23,726 km (14,723 miles) - distance I traveled in total during the last 1.5 years

of which 22,949 km (14,260 miles) - distance we traveled together

________

5 - times that we moved (3 times within the city, then Canada and back)

7 cities in 3 countries - we’ve been to together (not counting places we went through while travelling, only cities we actually visited)

25 - members of His family, friends and neighbors I met

5 - members of my family (4) and friend (1) He met

5 - times that we visited His family

4 - times that we visited my family (incl 1 when my mom visited us in Canada in order to attend the wedding)

1 - Christmas and Birthday (each) we spent together

7 - times that I had to take off my collar (family visits and doctor’s appointments/medical reasons, and once when He filed the edges)

9 - times we had to go to a doctor’s office, clinic or hospital together (5 times because of me, 4 times because of Him)

of which 1 time - that His life, as in physical survival, was in danger (and eventually Him spending a night in the ER’s shock room and me, totally nerve wrecked, at His bedside holding His hand while He was mumbling nonsense from the morphine)

1 - stuffed animal that He got me… I mean, cuddle bear, that we adopted (:

1 or 2 - times that we skipped breakfast or dinner

26 - different papers we have to file in with the German government to get Him a marriage visa (including getting our Canadian marriage acknowledged here)

________

1 - fight we had (during my detox)

0 - promises He made to me that He broke

1 - promise I made to Him that I broke

2 - times that I disobeyed Him (very special, complex circumstances though, not 'just because’)

4 - times we went through some serious shit together, the kinds that easily and often completely tank a relationship…

including 1 time - that this actually happened / break up (in the very beginning, 4 weeks after we got together), followed by a metatalk to find the problem and how to solve it

1.5 days - between break up and getting back together / that we were separated

0 - times afterwards, that anything threatened our relationship again

once - that He seriously made me cry out of sadness and desperation with something He said

once - that I seriously made Him cry out of sadness and desperation with something I said (unrelated to one another)

________

Estimated average values (all 'per day’ and to all applies a 'at the very least’)

10 - that we laugh together

including 1 time - that we play with the other’s wedding band, then say something like 'You’re stuck with me - foreeevaaaaa!’ and then we laugh

20 - that we hug and/or kiss each other, hold hands, that I lick or chew on Him, sometimes boop His nose (and giggle), that He plays with my hair or slaps my ass, or other loving or weird expressions of affection

3 - that we have a (real) conversation (not just a few sentences) about ourselves or a topic that we both find interesting

once - that I learn something from Him that I didn’t know before

5 - that I tell Him 'I love You’

5 - that He shows me, non verbally, 'I love You’ in some way

5 - that He does something that causes me to say 'You are so weird! … I love that about You!’, usually followed by a kiss

0.33 - that, after I asked for a specific English word, I say 'Whaaat? You don’t have a word for that in English? Well in German we have an extra word for that, and it’s…’

0.33 - that something reminds Him of a (weird) song and when I ask what it is, after He started singing it, He says 'Whaaat? Have you never heard of this song?!’

_________

Prophecies (estimated Minimum values)

55 - more years that we will have together before one of us dies (probably I, because we decided that I have to die before Him since I’m more dependant on Him than He is on me and also I couldn’t deal with this kind of a loss anyway - and we just expect death/fate to abide by this decision of ours)

10/5- cats/dogs that we will have during this time

0 - breakups/divorce or relationship breaks, cases of adultery, betrayal/disloyalty or other intentional damage caused to each other

10 - more serious fights and challenging situations/issues that we will have to deal with (we’re only humans after all)

lots - of tears that we will cry, we’re both emotional beings so there’s no way around tears, but more of them of joy rather than sadness

4 - cars that we will have, consecutively (I don’t like getting another car if it’s not really necessary, I form a bond with my car and drive it until it dies and then I’m sad)

20 - sheep or alpaka that we will have at some point on the farm in Canada

hundreds - more of good and bad TV shows and movies that we will watch together and dissect for their logical flaws

thousands - of deep, superficial, interesting, challenging, funny, serious, important, crucial, irrelevant, meaningful, sciency, spiritual, long, short, encouraging, sad, wholesome […] conversations

tens of thousands - of whiplashes, cane and crop hits, ass- and face slaps, electro shocks, hours restrained blindfolded and/or gagged […], for me :D and in general lots of kinky fun, including but not limited to sex, for the both of us - yay (:

millions - of things that we will learn about each other during our lifetime

5 - times that I will cause some serious major fuck up (I’m talking on the scale of accidentally burn down the house or kill the cat or cut off His or my arm or the like) that He will forgive me in the end after some sort of really nasty punishment

I’m such an optimist (:

How certain is it that autism is purely genetic?

Not certain at all.

As far as I know - and I’m not an expert in the field, so whoever is, may please correct me if/where I’m wrong, or add useful information - all studies we have so far about the exact cause for autism are either inconclusive, proven wrong or contradict one another. So we don’t know for sure what causes it.

The only thing that seems to be rather clear is that it’s either genetic or it’s something that happens in the womb / embryo stage already, like a certain imbalance of hormones or gut bacteria or whatever (just two of the dozens of theories about that out there) that triggers the development of an ‘autistic brain’ in utero already. This is why some autistic symptoms can often be observed in babies already (e.g. refuse to make eye contact, tantrums/excessive crying when the environmental conditions are not perfect, too bright, too loud etc or when routines change, don’t like to be touched even by their mothers, start speaking very early or very late etc).

But where exactly it comes from… no clue.

Which "T"s do/did you have ptsd from?

None of your, or anybody’s, business.

How much of autism can be developped during childhood by whatever circumstances?

Autism can’t be developed. You’re born that way.

How long have you and your Master known you had autism , and how did you obtain a diagnosis ? I wondered if my daughter was on the spectrum , but after she was evaluated at the local children’s hospital center for neurobehavioral health , that particular diagnosis was ruled out.

He: About ten years ago a friend sent Him a link to an article about (at this time so called) Asperger Syndrome, hinting that this might be something He should look into… Before that He had no clue about autism but reading about it it all sounded pretty familiar so He went to see a psychologist to get a professional opinion, who then diagnosed Him with autism. His wife had a, I quote, ‘freakfest’ afterwards saying she doesn’t want to be married to someone with a mental illness and especially not a 'robot’ (He thinks the underlying problem was that up until then she still hoped to be able to change Him, and after this diagnosis realized that this won’t be possible) and from then on it all went downhill, ending in her returning to Japan with their daughter and later their divorce.

I: I was in therapy as a teenager after my self harming issues started to get seriously life threatening but no therapy changed anything, not even remotely. At 17, after my third time that a surgeon had to stitch not only my skin but also my muscles and main arteries back together, I went to the third psychologist in three years, and He was the first not to concur with the typical 'borderline personality disorder’ diagnosis but to suspect that there was more going on than just the usual fucked up teenager stuff, but that I have an underlying problem of a different kind about how the world and people work and being unable to fit in. He sent me to a another psychologist specialized in autism and this guy then diagnosed me. - Well, I certainly also had a depression, anxiety, ptsd etc but I think that he was right that in general my problems, and the extent of the symptoms, were in a way tightly connected to autism too; that this world makes no sense to me on so many levels and that I obviously, for me, don’t belong into it, has indeed always been a big issue for me and made all other issues even harder to deal with.

Re your daughter

You should be able to get a list of psychologists/psychiatrists who are specialized in autism from, I don’t know what exactly you have in the US, some sort of medical association or special interests groups or something, and then get a second opinion from an expert in the field.

In general girls / women are statistically less likely to get a diagnosis because they are normally still better socially adapted so that they behavior is less disruptive and their symptoms rather manifest in a more subtle way. I would definitely go to a specialist in your case.

Which connection is there between his sadism and his autism?

There is no connection. It’s two separate things that can occur at the same time in one person like most other human qualities and conditions.

Do you still coerce you into the slave role while those meta-talks?

Nobody “coerces” me into any “role”. Read my blog, then you should be easily able to tell what kind of a relationship we have.

How we live our relationship it’s not necessary to ‘step out of the Dynamic’ (if that’s what you meant) in order to have a meta talk because it already is part of our Dynamic to talk to each other on the same level as two adults if necessary. A matter of definition of course, but we don’t see that as temporarily leaving the Dynamic.

’ Putting in the work ’

From all the little love letters on my blog, and the hundreds of lines long posts about the things I love about my Master, and in general our fairytale-like background story, it’s easy to assume, that a happy, stable relationship and D/s Dynamic Just Works, magically, if only your love is deep and your compatibility high enough… that our relationship is just naturally perfect, because we love each other so much, and what you read on my blog about our happiness is a natural consequence of this love (alone).

Let’s talk about how this is a myth for a change.

Yes, we are happy and in love with each other beyond words, but this is not only part of the reason why our relationship works, not only the cause of our ‘success’, it’s also a result of an active, conscious effort to make it work, an effect of what is commonly phrased all over Tumblr as 'putting in the work’.

Some time ago my Master and I had a long, deep, serious Metatalk, and in the following days a number of little 'after-talks’, after we had noticed a negative development between us. Somehow, over the time of a couple of months, our general stress levels had increased significantly, more than the tasks at hand would have justified, and at the same time we drifted apart from each other a little bit, we grew more distant - well, 'distant’ by our standards, meaning still super close in relation to other couples I know or knew, but anyway, it was a change in the wrong direction, that of course worried us very much.

So we sat down and talked about it, our feelings and thoughts and everything that came to our minds in the context of our problem, in order to analyze what exactly was happening and which underlying pattern was responsible for it. We found out that a mental pattern, that my Master, subconsciously, developed over decades, in order to compensate for His problems with social interactions, was causing a slight drift in our Dynamic. Something designed and working as a coping mechanism for autism-related social issues, suddenly, in the context of our relationship (i.e. me being autistic myself and in love with Him, opposed to other people, that He had to deal with, who are normally neurotypical strangers, acquaintances or coworkers) and Dynamic (i.e. us having a tall hierarchy opposed to no or a (much) flat(ter) hierarchy outside of our relationship), became something harmful, turned from a supporting and enabling to a inhibiting and disabling factor.

Once we had recognized the problem, we were able to come up with solutions to deal with it. But there are no simple solutions for issues that are this complex and deeply rooted in somebody’s psyche. There’s a lot of work to be done to tackle this, and in order to avoid that it can happen again, that a slight drift occurs slowly over a long enough period of time, that we don’t notice it, and to raise our self awareness about what exactly is going on in our life, especially just below the threshold of consciousness, we both started regular journaling and a short 'Mini Metatalk’, every day after dinner, to force ourselves, first, to actively, consciously think about our relationship at least briefly once a day, and thereby become aware of what you normally easily miss, and, second, to communicate everything with the other. Also we developed a method to better organize all our tasks, and that’s quite a lot, just to generally reduce stress. And of course some things to specifically target the exact problem that we identified, which caused the drift, the distance. In total it’s a whole bunch of measures and techniques that we started to do and use after this talk, that help us to improve ourselves individually and as a couple, keep our Dynamic in balance, our marriage happy and ourselves close.

Even though it’s not a big issue we’re talking about here, it’s not much distance, only a slight imbalance, still we find it crucial to work on things like this. Relationships don’t 'just work’ - Relationships are work! The Dynamic needs care too, not only the people in it. We’re all just humans, we have our flaws, some maybe even harmful behavioral or thought patterns as a result of for example trauma or other bad experiences, illnesses like anxiety or depression, or just in general problems and issues of all types, and naturally they will interfere with every kind of Dynamic sooner or later because a Dynamic is not a lifeless thing but a merge of people. So if you don’t work on counteracting negative influences, a relationship starts to disintegrate at some point. It could last for years before the effects become obvious or damaging, but the few marriages that last for decades, even 'forever’, are always the ones, that people work on, in one form or the other (different ways in different generations and different kinds of relationships, but they all actively work on it somehow). Every single person in a long term happy relationship I ever talked to in my life confirmed and agreed on that. And we want and plan to stay together for the rest of our life, so we make an effort to make that happen. To always stay as happy as we are now.

I thought it might be time to show more of these parts of our relationship on my blog, not only the naturally shiny ones. Yes, we have like everybody else, our flaws and issues that we work on. Our relationship is based on love and what it implies (respect, trust, care, loyalty etc), on devotion, obedience and service, on honesty, openness and communication, on structure, security, stability - and on effort, on work, on the will to fix it when something breaks, no matter if it’s difficult or takes time.

________

@keepingher - Thank You for Your effort. For being the kind of Dominant who understands the importance of care not only for Your partner, me, but also the structures that are our home as a couple. Our Dynamic is the source of my happiness, my peace of mind and inner harmony, my strength and my feeling of safety and stability, and to see and feel it grow with and in and between us over time is just wonderful. I need this, and that You work on it with me, to make it last, makes me feel so secure in our life together. I love You, Master 🖤

Your property.

(Warning: Lots of cheesy posts tonight. I’m in a romantic mood and feel like shouting it out into the world how happy and in love I am 💕)

Would you ever consider taking a submissive with a mental illness/have you ever in the past? How would you/how have you approached it in your rules or care for her? Sorry for the long question.

keptmathilda:

keepingher:

Just so you know, I’m not singling you out with this; I just want to rant a bit.

It seems that there’s an idea floating around about a “perfect” D/s relationship. An idea that if you could just embody this particular list of traits and abilities, you’ll do okay. And if not, well, you’re at a disadvantage (if you’ll ever find someone at all). Of course the ironic part is that, even though so many seem to believe in this ideal, nobody can quite say what the actual list entails.

When I deal with a submissive, I’m dealing with a person. She’s going to have issues, because all submissives do. She’s going to fuck things up, she’s going to have anxiety, she’s going to have phobias, things she’s absolutely terrible at, demons & regrets, a less than stellar past, worries and melt downs, and we’re only just getting started. She may have other complications, like epilepsy or cancer or poor circulation or deaf-mute or schizophrenia or a heart condition or depression or any myriad possibility. It’s called being human.

When you look online at all these pictures of perfect BDSM scenes and perfect stories and perfect anecdotes and perfect love letters between sub and dom, there’s a BIG part of a dominant’s role that is too often overlooked: Care.

Care means a lot of things. It means actually giving a damn what happens to her. It means wanting her to live a good life. It means supporting her where she’s weak. It means being there for her when she breaks down. It means taking time out to tell her you love her. It means understanding her limits and approaching them with compassion. And I’m not talking BDSM oriented limits; I’m talking about her limits in life. I’m talking about illness or injury or depressive episodes or even just a bad day and feeling overwhelmed.

We’re all human, and our needs are all unique. When I take a submissive, I may be in charge, but we’re still in this together. The rules I lay down are specific to HER. The training I do is specific to HER. There is no One True Way™ that I just bend her into. It’s a dance. It’s life. Life is messy and exciting and even bizarre sometimes, yet it always finds a way to go outside of your expectations. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Of all the seventhousandsomething posts on His blog this has always been my favorite. It was the first post by Him I read, as a reblog or like on another blog, and I remember thinking that whoever wrote this would make a wonderful master.

Now, only a little over half a year later, this ‘whoever’ is my ‘wonderful Master’ and I experience first-hand, that these weren’t just empty words, He really is this committed, this loving and caring about the girl He loves. And I’m so eternally grateful that I am this girl.

Thank You for everything, Sir. If You let me, I will spend the rest of my life doing everything in my power to make You happy - this is a promise.

This was last winter. And three months ago He said 'I do’ to this offer that I made one year earlier - He did choose to 'let me’… spend the rest of my life making Him happy. Some stories really have a Happy End. And get even better afterwards 🖤

keptmathilda:

MINE !

My Owner, my Master, my partner, my lover, my love, my friend, my protector, my man, my God, my Keeper. @keepingher - Mine.

(After a hundred ‘Yours’ it’s time for a ‘Mine’)

Thank You for being my Master - for being my Master. I’m so happy, that You’re mine! It makes me proud, that such a wonderful, kind, protective, responsible, caring Dominant chose me to be his girl… - that You chose me to be the one, to whom You want to belong. This alone already, just that You choose to be with me, every day again, makes me feel like a better person, than I thought I was before I met You. Thank You, my love 🖤