Someone I loved…love very much. We were very close when I was a child and teenager but haven’t had contact anymore since I left my hometown twelve years ago. At my birthday this year she wrote me. And I didn’t answer. I wanted to do it later, I didn’t feel ready yet somehow. I wanted to write her the next time I’m back in my hometown and meet her.
Now there is no ‘later’ anymore. She is gone.
I feel so guilty. I am so sad. She was so important to me, she did so much for me and I let her down, let her think I would have forgotten about her…
Don’t do this mistake I have made. If someone means something to you, tell him or her. Now. Later could be too late…
how to take a decision without getting crushed under the unbearable weight of endless and insignificant anxieties
That’s why I need someone to do it for me.
Most people don’t understand how I could want a life without rights, choice, free will, without freedom. But that’s the point, it’s not a life without freedom. There is not one kind of freedom, there are many.
The most popular kind of freedom and the one most people need in order to live a happy life is the freedom of choice. They need to be free to choose what to do, when and how to do things, where to go, whom to interact with. But that’s not the freedom I need.
I need the freedom to just be, the freedom of being free from choice, decisions, other peoples expectations, responsibility, control, power.
Once you have no control or power anymore over anything, once there is no decision to make, no choice to think about, no ‘freedom’ anymore, you can just be and live without fear. The human beings’ 'free will’ is a curse. For me it is. Because it’s just influenced too much by so many variables that it can, that it will lead you into chaos sooner or later. I’ve had enough chaos in my life, I don’t stand a single more mess anymore. After a thousand catastrophes my 'right to choose’ lead me into, the next one would finish me. I wasn’t even ever free to choose anyway. My demons were chosing for me, were deciding where to go and what to do. To strip me from all control means to take away their power over me.
As a slave with one Master, one who is able to take this responsibility, who is strong enough to make decisions and bear the consequences for both our lives, who is willing to care for me, who loves me, I have more freedom than I could have on my own.
Actually it’s quite logical. I don’t really see what’s hard to understand about that.
I (almost) always like to be my masters (fuck-)toy, to feel him in whatever way, but normally not because I would be horny myself, but because I just love to please him, to satisfy his needs, to be used by him, to make him happy, to be taken… It’s something psychological, I love it in a ‘cognitive way’ so to speak. Although of course I also enjoy it physically, I’m not asexual, I’m a sexual being and sex(ual interaction of any kind) arouses and satisfies me too.
But compared to other women my physical need for sex/sexual stimulation/orgasms seems to be rather rare/low. Don’t ask me why, I have no idea, it’s just the way I am.
However.. It does happen that I’m horny, and I am right now. And of course exactly when my man is a few thousand miles away. Well I’m sure I’ll still be horny, or again, when he is back but right now I’m alone and can’t think of anything else but him taking me. Grrr, cruel world…