August 2017

Being gagged is a tough one for me. I mentioned it somewhere else here already, language is my No1 coping mechanism. I don’t talk much to everyone and I rather say nothing than something meaningless just to avoid silence, but not to be able to speak at all is like locking me up inside of my head. And the inside of my head is no place anyone would want to be locked in…

The belt *wants*

Black leather belts make my knees weak.

Carabiners to link wrists to ankles?! Hmm…..

If you know what this picture shows and means you are probably a person I’d like very much.

hey... I wanted to ask some relationship advice. so I used to have a pretty bad self harm problem, there are really noticeable scars kn my thigh and wrist. I am really fucking ashamed of them, but I realize this is something I'm going to have to tell my boyfriend at some point, I just don't know how. I've already straight up lied to him about the existence kf them.. And I feel awful but it's not something I can just admit, especially because I have no idea how he'll react. how do I tell him?



Hey! So as someone who has struggled with self-injury in the past and who also has visible self-injury scars I totally understand where you’re coming from and why you’re freaked out. The bad news is that I don’t have a magic way to make it easier to tell him or a magic way even to tell him.

But I will say this: if he can’t handle your past, if he can’t handle that this is a part of your history and who you were - then he’s not the right person for you. Not everyone can handle a history of self-injury. But you need - and I need too, so I get it - someone who can. And that’s okay.

You just have to tell him. Tell him calmly and tell him the truth and tell him when you’re ready. You’ll know when that moment is.

Good luck.

Excellent advise from the amazing @fuckmethroughthesheets. May I add a little something?

I don’t have self-harm scars, but I do have a lot of surgical scars. In the aftermath of my experience I found myself feeling the need to “prepare” men for the experience of my body, of my scars. It took time for me to realize that what I was doing was making things worse. Do not be ashamed of your body, do not be ashamed of your scars. My body is beautiful. My scars are beautiful. I stopped “prepping” men, and so should you. Partners will ask. The right ones will ask the right way, with all the care and concern that a partner should have. They will listen. Be honest with them. But do not be ashamed. Pull your shoulders back and tell them: This is my body, it bears the life I’ve led. It is beautiful. It is perfect in its imperfections.

Love yourself, anon. I wish that most for you.

Exactly! Well said @fuckmethroughthesheets and @companyofthecourtesan

I “prepared” men especially for this for so many years, actually since I was a teenager so through almost my whole sexual life, until I finally thought “But… Why?!” and started to just see it as a natural part of my body like all other parts of me.

Not all men can or want to handle/live with someone with this kind of past or even physical appearance and that’s fine, it’s a valid choice. But someone who doesn’t want to look through the visible parts of you, doesn’t find you beautiful as you are, doesn’t take you with your past, present and future just is not a person you want to spend your time with, let alone invest feelings in. The ‘right’ person won’t mind scars, past struggles or your insecurities (about them).

[edit: wrong link]


<i>Care for me.</i>


<i>Daily choking picture #44</i>

<i>Touch me.</i>


There is comfort in knowing that there’s no escape.

Yes, there is. No escape means no use in thinking about anything. That’s why I like to be completely helpless. It’s one of the very few ways to switch the (higher) brain (functions) off.

I’m just alive because i was born and i haven’t died yet.

(via marryjuanagemini-319)




So one of the most incredible things in life in my mind is intimacy with another person and it’s probably one of my most powerful of driving forces. Intimacy has a lot of different faces but to me it all feels the same. Sharing inside jokes with someone. Seeing someone cry. Cuddling after a long day and just being together. Making someone cum. Being the first person they tell exciting news to. Being the first person I want to tell exciting things. Beating and fucking someone into complete submission where they just lose themselves. Being a trusted confidant.

Point being these are all intimate things and they all mean so much to me. I crave it. It drives me and my personal relationships. In a way it’s what I live for. I want to be intimate.

For me not all kinds of intimacy “feel[..] the same”, but besides that I can completely relate.

Intimacy is the most important aspect of a relationship for me and it’s much more than just cuddling, intimacy has indeed so many “different faces” but all types serve the same purpose, building/maintaining a deep connection, and that’s what a relationship is all about, being deeply intertwined with body and mind…

Blog note #7 - Tagging

I tag all my posts/reblogs generally (and not just intuitively but following a system) but I’m a bit behind at the moment in this regard. I reblogged a lot recently without tagging it, but I’ll catch up on that as soon as I have some time.

Not that this would be an important information for you but for the sake of my sense of order I have to mention it anyway.

Hmm… I’m too autistic somehow for this kind of things.

It’s a nice picture, a symbol for power/complete vulnerability. But for me it’s only exactly that, a symbol, not something that would give me anything as a real experience.

What can you actually do with a knife to one’s neck? I mean in an bdsm/sexual/relationship context. Absolutely nothing! Even if you are into cutting, you should never do that on someone’s neck as long as you don’t want to risk killing her. So what’s left is using it in a context of threatening. Like a “ ‘You do as you’re told or you’ll regret it’ - while moving a blade along her neck” - kind of situation. But something like this wouldn’t turn me on but would rather have a different effect. If I know for sure that a threat is just empty words, because it’s something he just wouldn’t do - either because it’s too dangerous or too extreme or just not possible or for whatever reason - I can’t, logically, take it serious and in this case he can as well say nothing at all… should have rather said nothing at all.

I need to know I can take someone at his word to be able and willing to completely submit myself to someone. With no exceptions.

Sure it’s clear that you can’t take a knife at your neck in this kind of situation as a serious threat and it doesn’t mean that someone can’t be taken seriously in general but my brain just doesn’t work like that, sorry.

Don’t make threats to me you wouldn’t realize.

This picture reminds me of something…

Candlelight dinner.

<i>Hold me.</i>

Need this.

<i>Daily choking picture #43</i>

I crave physical affection. I crave skin on skin. play with my hair, hold my hand, touch me, kiss me. I crave you.

(via difficult)

My life (at the moment).


Today is a bad day….

Until half a year ago I was living with an ex at his place because I lost mine/formerly ours after we broke up after eight years and I couldn’t afford it on my own any longer at some point. His new relationship with an 18yo girl had already come to an end by then so he agreed that I move in since I had no place to stay. But he wanted me back and was very jealous. When he found out I was in contact to another man, let’s call him x, he became very aggressive, threatened x and myself and I had to leave for his and my safety.

Today history repeated itself.

When I had to leave this ex I moved in with another ex, who was also jealous and didn’t want me to have contact with x, with no men at all of course but x was the guy he feared the most and who caused the most jealousy. Now he also threw me out because I was in contact over WhatsApp with x.

Of course I knew it would be problematic to live with an ex, even if it’s just temporarily until I have my own apartment again, and even if the breakup was some time ago and we were befriended by now… if he still has feelings for you, it’s always a huge problem anyway. But I had no choice, I had no other place to go.

It was clear from the beginning that it couldn’t last long. But now that it happened, that they both kicked me out of their lives, it’s still hard…

And the “funny” thing about all this is… X, the guy they were jealous of, doesn’t even want me anymore, so their jealousy completely lost its basis.

Now I’ve lost them all for nothing.

This is what happens when more than one person has feelings for you and you can’t make a clear cut. In the end you lose them all. But I had no choice. Hm well, except being completely homeless, I mean like sleeping outdoors… But right now I think this would have been the better alternative.

My advice to all of you: No friendships with ex-partners. And don’t get attached to someone new before you were able to clearly distance yourself from all previous relationships in every way.

Only if one could control when and whom one gets attached to. Life would be so much less complicated if you could control your feelings. And complications could be dealt with so much easier if you had a home to hide in from them…

I’m spending too much time on my knees lately…

My place is at your feet.


Hold my hand


your place

I want to be there now…

I need someone to hurt me today.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?

Ernest Hemingway (via pre-party)

Daily choking picture #43

My life.

I want to hide somewhere…



She did not want to move, or to speak. She wanted to rest, to lean, to dream. She felt very tired.

Virginia Woolf, The Years
(via s-t-u-p-o-r-e)

Somewhere on the other side of this wide night
and the distance between us, I am thinking of you.

Carol Ann Duffy, excerpt of Words, Wide Night (via antigonick)

f l e u r • n o i r e

(via f-l-e-u-r-n-o-i-r-e)