July 2017

Spank me.

And another real life story:

Once the neighbors called the police because they thought a rape or domestic violence or so took place. I got a pretty severe punishment and though I tried to be as silent as possible I obviously was still screaming loud enough to catch their attention.
So the cops came looking what’s going on and in fact it was difficult to convince them, that this was a consensual thing happening here and no laws were broken. They thought I would be a victim of domestic violence and just too scared to tell the truth. Finally they believed me (I think) and left, with a friendly reminder not to disturb the neighbors peace by noise of whatever kind.

That was really a strange situation.

Little real life anecdote:

Once I was arrested by the police and when going through my stuff the cop asked me why I would have keys for cuffs on my keychain. I was in cuffs currently and he was obviously thinking that I wanted to escape or so. So I told him why I occasionally need keys for cuffs and he just grinned and seemed to have even more fun afterwards to lock me in a cell. Actually that was a little funny… I hated those 24 hours solitary confinement though.

Mother says there are locked rooms inside all women; kitchen of lust, / bedroom of grief, bathroom of apathy. / Sometimes, the men – they come with keys, / and sometimes, the men – they come with hammers.

Warsan Shire, from “The House,” Her Blue Body  (via lovely–delight)

Take me.

Whip me.

Daily choking picture #26 (kind of)

Some words about ‘safe/-r’ choking:

Don’t crush the windpipe. No pressure (at all!) on the larynx. The perfect place to choke is the upper half of the neck, preferably right under the lower jaw!

roger-rossell:

Evyenia Karapolous.

Berlin, 2017

I’m so tired. I slept for four hours, after being awake for 30 or so hours. I need to sleep but I can’t.

Another great (irony) thing about (my) autism: Not being able to stop myself when knocking my knees against one another for full three hours. Yay.

Nope, I’m just a pervert. No romance here. Well, depends on how you define ‘romance’…

Daily choking picture #25

Punishment.

I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.

Joshua Graham
(via psych-facts)

Need this now.

Can I die now please?

Life (via sad-empty-lost)

Mood

Btw this is the real ‘Mathilda Lando’.

Torture.

Devotion: Complete vulnerability. Needs. Sacrifice. Love. Maybe pain and suffering. Rewards. Sometimes fear. Always looking up to him. Relax. Endless trust. Feeling safe. Feeling complete.

Daily choking picture #24

Corner time.

Daily choking picture #23

I need this so bad right now. Someone to choke and to hurt me…

Someone near cologne volunteers? Serious question, I mean it.

Devotion.

Maybe it won’t work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

Daily choking picture #22

Hold me.

It is so much safer not to feel, not to let the world touch me.

Sylvia Plath (via s-t-u-p-o-r-e)

Indeed.

Corner time

Daily choking picture #21

Hold my hand

Devotion.

Mood

Corner time

I realize I won’t make any friends with this post and will probably even scare some people off who somehow liked me so far, but… It’s “Inside: Mathilda” and that’s what is (and was) going on inside of Mathilda:

I have been on fentanyl for many years. I don’t mean some dangerous shit you get from a dealer, I mean pure pharmaceutical fentanyl from a pharmacist (I was a medical student when I got addicted). For those of you who don’t know what that is: It’s an opiate, similar to morphine or heroine, but much stronger (10x as heroine, 100x as morphine). It’s used for narcosis and to treat pain when terminally ill (cancer etc). And it’s also used by junkies because it’s the strongest opiate that exists on this earth.

So I was on fentanyl for many years. Four years ago I began treatment with polamidon (like methadone but ‘purer’/better) because I would have died if I had continued destroying my veins and constantly overdosing myself (I didn’t care if I died, more than once I almost did, but that didn’t bother me. All that mattered was to switch my brain off). This treatment enabled me no live a normal life again. Once every 24 hours I had to take my medicine, once a week I had to go to the doctor to get a new prescription and that was it, life was good… Well, as good as it can be for someone like me.

Last year I lost everything. My home, most of my stuff and my health insurance (yes in fact it is possible to be without health insurance even in Germany, but it’s very rare). I managed to make enough money, don’t ask how, to pay for my polamidon treatment on my own until a few weeks ago.

I had some morphine left which I took when the withdrawal was getting too bad but now I’m out of everything and on ‘cold turkey’.
A heroine withdrawal takes a few days (the physical symptoms I mean), a polamidon withdrawal takes about a month, at least. A month of cramps in every muscle of your body, cardiac problems, nausea, pain and so on…

I wanted to make this withdrawal for so long but gave up every time it was getting too bad, but now I’m forced to pull it through. That’s probably a good thing if I survive this four weeks.

So I don’t know how much I can be online in this time. Take care.


(I’m explicitly NOT sorry, if this new information about me makes you think bad of me. Accept and respect me as (the (former) junkie) I am or fuck off.
Sry, I had to say that…bad experiences, you know…)

I won’t be very active on this blog for a few days or so. Just to let you know…

I’m horny and noone near to fuck me. That sucks.

I want to be alone…with someone else who wants to be alone.

Dimitri Zaik (via sad-plath)

Show me the way.

Good Morning, Tumblr.

Daily choking picture #20

Getting choked during sex is one of the best ways to lose your breath.

Fallout… That’s a great idea. I’m in the mood to kill people.

It’s extremely rare that I’m in some kind of aggressive mood and I hate the concept of revenge and would never do something just for this stupid reason, so don’t take me too serious here.
But I’m a human being and I can’t help to at least think of very bad things when people treat me just too bad themselves …
And in the end I just smile again and say “Yes, Sir”. Right now I hate my submissive self.

Good morning, Tumblr!

That could be me! (: